Beliefs and Habits of Better Coaching Conversations

From Better Conversations by Jim Knight (Corwin Press)

Communication is the lifeblood of every school. Imagine the impact if everyone in schools communicated better. Coaching guru Jim Knight shares clear and simple strategies to have better conversations and improve coaching.

The first step is to be aware of the beliefs that lead to more effective conversations. Once we know the beliefs, then we can work to align the habits and strategies needed to strengthen conversations.

The 6 Beliefs You Need to Have Better Conversations

Belief 1: I see conversation partners as equals.
You see your conversation partner as an equal, not below you. You avoid pressure and directives. You don’t wield power over them.

Belief 2: I want to hear what others have to say.
You seek understanding first. You listen and prioritize understanding what the other person has to say. Communicating your own message is second.

Belief 3: I believe people should have a lot of autonomy.
Your conversation partner is unlikely to be motivated to improve unless they have ownership of their decisions and outcomes. You don’t try to convince them or insist on anything.

Belief 4: I don’t judge others.
You avoid sharing your perceptions in a way that diminishes others, their experiences, and their perceptions. Judging removes safety.

Belief 5: Conversation should be back and forth.
You aim for true dialogue, where the meaning of the conversation is constructed together.

Belief 6: Conversation should be life-giving.
You are quick to notice and share what is positive about other people. You show genuine interest and seek to make connections which results in people leaving feeling more alive.

Key Habits to Improve Coaching Conversations

Beliefs alone won’t improve your coaching; you need to develop habits and strategies based on those beliefs. Below are a few ideas.

Habit: Listening with Empathy

• Speak less and return the speaking role to the other person by asking a question or allowing them to direct the conversation.
• Pause and ask yourself, Will what I’m about to say open up or shut down the conversation? Pause so you can aim for openness.

Habit: Asking Better Questions

• Aim for open-ended questions rather than closed-ended ones. Try to elicit the teacher’s thoughts and opinions about next steps.
• Ask genuine questions because you want to hear what someone has to say. About 40% of questions are just statements in disguise.

Habit: Making Emotional Connections

• Be fully present. One coach was so wrapped up in the content of coaching that she forgot to relate to the human side of people.
• We can deepen emotional connections with teachers we coach by making bids – such as a greeting, a compliment, a smile, etc.

Habit: Commenting on the Positive Things People Do

• Be direct and show those you work with that you see their hard work, consideration, and generosity, face to face.
• Be specific. “That was so generous to share the work you’ve done with your teammates,” is better than, “You’re so generous.”

Habit: Finding Common Ground

• Commit to finding common ground at the outset of an interaction because it is the foundation for better conversations.
• Choose words that unite, not divide. Try these basic words that unite: we instead of I, yes instead of no, and and instead of but.

Habit: Controlling Toxic Emotions

• Control your own emotions by naming what you feel, reframing it, and ultimately taming it by pausing or slowing down.
• Go to the balcony, that is step back (and view it from a “balcony”) so you can gain some perspective in order to find a solution.

Habit: Building Trust

• Allow yourself to be vulnerable. This makes leaders more approachable and demonstrates that we are like everyone else.
• Be reliable. This means committing only to things we can do and then making sure we do them. That is someone we trust.